SB Journaling Blog Challenge 2.13.06 from 2Peas

Write about something you have overcome.

Hold nothing back.
Grow stronger from seeing your triumph
in print, whether in your scrapbooks or
online on your blog.

Remember

there is such power in the challenges we have
overcome.

It makes us stronger people, so we in turn, can help others
down the
road called life.

from BonnieRose

A time in my life that I pressed in and pressed on. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

This would make a GREAT scrapbook page for my ME album.

This is a tough one. It exposes ME and makes me vulnerable to not only you, who reads this, but my children, who one day will read this. My hope is that they read it when they too need some encouragement and knowing that I kinda went through the same thing or similar - will help them (especially if I am not around when it is happening).

A time when I pressed in and pressed on - was after my second daughter (Rowan) was born. For some reason, after she was born, I sank into a rather deep post partum depression. I wasn't withdrawn from her. I was withdrawn from everyone else. I was in labor for 36+ hours and after she was born I just wanted to hold her and not let her go. (Perfectly normal). When she went for her well care check up my PMD discovered a murmur and referred us to the big U for a cardiology referral. I was CONVINCED that there was something I did during the pregnancy to cause the defect. That was what turned the tables. I became obsessed with making it better for her. No one could take care of her but me. My poor hubby was not allowed to hold her for at least 8 weeks. I thought - for sure - that I SUCKED as a mother. I came home from Rowan's check up, crawled in bed with her and just sobbed. My hubby came home from work (poor guy) to find me sobbing. I then called the PMD to ask him if Rowan was going to live (see how out there I was - I am a fricking NURSE -hello).

At three weeks I got a huge roaring Mastitis. I got the fever, chills, nausea, vomiting and the icks. It was all I could do to nurse her and I would be sobbing to do it cause the boobs hurt man...... There were two days in a row my hubby had to come home from work at lunch time to make sure I was still alive cause I would call him sobbing that I sucked as a mom becausec I couldn't even nurse right (now do you see how Rowan got her attitude - survival baby....)

I became VERY introverted and hated to go outside of the home. There were days that the hubby would come home and there I sat on the couch with Rowan, in pj's (but showered) watching Lifetime (evil network if you are about to go over the edge - cause those shows will send you.....). He would take one look (bless his heart) and say "well at least you took a shower today.

At eight weeks my hubby kicked me outta the house to go get a coffee in town. I drove into town (having a panic attack the whole way) to my favorite Coffee shop in Tecumseh - to order my carmael latte. I sat at the window staring into the street till I couldn't take it anymore and hurried home (never drank the coffee.) I figured something was wrong with Rowan cause no one else could take care of her. I entered the house to hear Rowan SCREAMING and my hubby saying "Rowan - it will be okay, eventually you will have to get use to me." Natalie came out into the kitchen and said "Mom, she's been crying like that ever since you left." I answered Natalie and when Rowan heard my voice she immediately stopped crying. My hubby said that she turned her head in my direction and was anxious to find me. Long story short - we curled up together on the couch, nursed and rebonded.

I am not trying to make you pity me (or my poor hubby) but I am trying to paint a picture. As each day went by I grew more and more introverted and convinced I sucked as a mom and no one else could care for Rowan.

Fortunately - I had alot of people praying for me and my MidWife was all over it. She would call often and had no issues just TALKING. The cardiologist that followed Rowan was awesome and said - on our first visit no less "So - mom you know you didn't cause this - if it was my kid I would think that I caused this - and you didn't." I knew all of this.... but for some reason I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into a hole of depression.

I was able to get connected at our local church we started going to and as a result of all of this grew closer to God and grew stronger in Christ. I would have to say without this incident I may not have grown stronger in my faith and walk God does meet us where we are at doesn't he.

Again - alot of prayer - but in the end it also took one of my old nursing instructors to call me up and basically whack me upside the head. She called up and said "Bonnie - I hear you are having issues. Issues with your daughter and feeling down. Listen girl - you gotta GET up. Get up and get on! Do you hear me - this is of no fault of you. You need to stand up and say 'satan - get behind me I am mom and hear me roar.'"

In the end, day by day, with alot of support from my hubby and my midwife, and Rowan's cardiologist - I made it through. Rowan survived, my hubby survived, my midwife is still a midwife (I think) and I am so much stronger. It's a constant struggle (once you have been down that road once) but I know that I can make it through - especially with God and my family on my side......

So with that said - I think I need to design a layout for my About Me Album for the girls. This is definitely something I want them to know I went through - for their benefit. To know that I went through it and survived, with God on my side, is just what they need to hear.

Thank you BonnieRose for this idea!!! (stay tuned for a layout.....)